Editor’s Note: Bryce turns 30 in 28 weeks. He’s using the 30 weeks leading up to his milestone birthday to reflect on aging and his life so far.
Screw Armageddon, the dance floor stays open for me! – Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors
A few years ago, my friends and I held a presentation night where we each presented a funny slide deck presentation for one another (for example, which Kardashian is everyone in the friend group?). I made mine about rating my childhood fears which I thought was amusing. I needed something quick to do this week because I ran out of time doing some other digital missionary things, so I adapted this quickly. Some of the information may be outdated but I hope it’s still enjoyable!
Fear #1 Yellowstone Volcano
As a child, I was very worried about Yellowstone erupting. I’m still kind of scared about this, although a bit less so now that I live on the eastern side of the US. After doing some research, I found that Yellowstone is due to erupt anytime in the next thousands (or hundreds of thousands) of years. I’m pretty sure I won’t live that long but the chance is technically, marginally there. Additionally, the volcano Toba erupted about 74,000 years ago but did not affect Homo Sapiens greatly. I concluded from this that a volcanic explosion would be very unpleasant and overall a bad time but ultimately survivable. Additionally, the more direct threat to me having grown up in Colorado was the Dotsero Volcanic Center – not Yellowstone.
Rating: 4/10
Rationale: A volcanic eruption of Yellowstone is possible but unlikely. Additionally, this disaster is not necessarily deadly but very inconveniencing. Finally, I was not focused on the most direct threat. And, upon further reflection, I realized I was maybe more scared of earthquakes.
Fear #2: Squirrels
If you know me in the real world, you might know that one of my current fears is being attacked by a squirrel. I first became afraid of these allegedly “””adorable””” creatures in elementary school, but my fear has carried me through adulthood. Squirrels are obviously a bit of a silly fear but my middle school best friend, after taunting me, was attacked by a squirrel in her backyard so teasers beware. On the plus side, squirrels rarely carry rabies making them a less dangerous wild animal encounter than others. While rare, squirrels have been known to attack humans unprovoked, with at least 2 documented mass attacks leading to 18 injuries both times. As squirrels live everywhere in the US, if you’re scared of them, you’re frequently triggered.
Rating: 10/10
Rationale: Squirrels are scary and can (and do attack) people. I’m still scared so I think this is a perfectly valid fear. And if you think this is funny, I’m putting my middle school course on you so tread carefully and do come back to tell me if you were attacked.
Fear #3: Quicksand
Like most millennials, I had the classic fear of quicksand which was common in older media. Given the accelerated climate crisis, widescale disasters have replaced quicksand in newer media. However, fear of quicksand impacted planning for the lunar landing. That said, (and we listen but we sometimes still judge a little), there are quicksand hobbyists and documented fetishes so quicksand can’t be all bad. Wet quicksand is also not dangerous in the same way dry quicksand is.
Rating: 5/10
Rationale: If something is scary enough for NASA to be aware of, it’s at least scary enough to be warranted to some degree. This is a common generational fear but not actually all that dangerous.
Fear #4: Dying in a Fire
This always seemed like a very inevitable part of camping growing up. In reality, 3,704 people died in fires in 2019. This was a 24% increase from 2010 (and I imagine with the increase in wildfires over the last decade, might be even higher now). Older adults 85 years and older have the highest mortality rate while adults 50-54 have been reported to have the highest injury rate.
Rating: 3/10
Rationale: Dying in a fire is pretty rare but an increasing risk. However, I am not included in the most at-risk demographic.
Fear #5: The Dark
Like (maybe all?) children, I was scared of the dark. And, after completing a sunrise hike this morning, I can confirm I still am. The dark is obviously spooky. It’s a frequent feature of horror movies and carries with it the inability to see. If you’re a sighted person, you like to see. Additionally, we as humans are evolutionarily predisposed to fear the dark because it triggers the unknown. From a practical standpoint, only about 30% of violent crime by adults occurs between 6pm and 11pm. You’re also more likely to be murdered in the summertime when these evening hours have more daylight.
Rating: 7/10
Rationale: Nature says so, so I say so. However, the dark isn’t actually statistically more dangerous than the daylight. Nevertheless, it’s still creepy to be in.
Fear #6: Getting Kidnapped from the Car while your Parents are “Running in Real Quick”
When my parents ran into a store, it was not uncommon for me to unbuckle and pin myself to the floorboards to be out of sight of any potential kidnappers. I was really convinced being kidnapped from a locked car was a common occurrence. In reality, only .1% of kidnapping cases are committed by strangers; you’re actually most likely to be kidnapped by your own parents. You’re also most likely to be kidnapped on the way to/from school, not in a Kroger parking lot.
Rating: 1/10
This is not a realistic fear and was probably just influenced by me wanting to be rescued by Derek Morgan from Criminal Minds and watching entirely too much Without a Trace as a child.
Fear #7: Stranger Living in my House
I’m honestly still scared of this, albeit a little less as I live in a small apartment now. In my grad school house, though, I was frequently convinced there was someone living in our basement (there wasn’t). Nevertheless, still a fear of mine. I was scarred by an episode of Criminal Minds where this happened. In truth, there are numerous reports of this happening but it’s probably rare overall. About 75% of homes are broken into at some point but 65% of those break-ins are committed by someone known to the victims.
Rating: 3/10
Objectively maybe the scariest experience a person could have but ultimately very rare. I will still choose to be scared of this, though.
Fear #8: Being Arrested
I think I had and have a fear of being in trouble in general but being arrested is kind of like the ultimate way of being in trouble. In reality, you’re most likely to be arrested under 25 and over 50% of arrests occur to people under the age of 30 which, as we know, I’m pushing. I am White which definitely helps my interactions with cops compared to People of Color, but I have also not always had great personal interactions with members of law enforcement.
Rating: 6/10
I didn’t drink until I was 21 which is probably the most common crime committed by young people. However, I am the right demographic but aging out. Nevertheless, the criminal justice system is scary. Nowadays, I’m probably more afraid of being imprisoned for a crime I didn’t commit over just generally being arrested.
Fear #9: Basements
This is another common fear of most children (and people in general). Although I was mostly okay with my basement, I really didn’t like other people’s. It doesn’t help that strangers living in your house are likely to be in your basement if they’re likely to be anywhere. There wasn’t a lot of research on fear of basements when I put this presentation together in 2023 but we in Western culture often associate bad things with being “down” (i.e., feeling down in the dumps, going down to hell, etc.). Basements are also underground which is generally dangerous for species that live on the ground. Basements are also cold and dark which are both states associated with fear.
Rating: 7/10
Basements are objectively creepy. It’s also creepy that there’s little research on this (what does the government not want us to know about basements?!). Additionally, hell is down there and hell is generally regarded as scary.
Fear #10: Marrying a Woman
I was really overwhelmed as a child at the thought of some day being a husband to a wife. Having to protect and provide for a family seemed like a big task, as did having to spiritually lead one in the evangelical culture I grew up in. Additionally, the thought of kissing a woman was generally unappealing but I figured when you became an adult you figured out how to get over this crippling aversion. It turns out this fear was just heternormativity and traditional gender roles. Marriages today are generally more egalitarian but I will say if I’m in a room of women, it’s more likely than not that I will be asked to kill the bug (which I don’t do anymore) or check out the scary noise so gender roles are constructs that are at least somewhat enforced.
Rating: 9/10
As a homosexual, marrying a woman is scary. You want me to stick what in where?! Pass. In truth, I need a short but big man to protect me and I am literally just a Proverbs 31 wifey at the end of the day. Please post marriage proposals below. Trifflers need not apply.
References
Again, this was done in 2023 so don’t come after me if a link doesn’t work or something is outdated. You’ve been warned.
Volcanos
•https://www.usgs.gov/news/no-yellowstone-isnt-going-wipe-out-humanity
•https://www.usgs.gov/volcanoes/yellowstone
•https://www.usgs.gov/volcanoes/dotsero-volcanic-center
•https://www.usgs.gov/programs/VHP
Squirrels
•https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-59819349
•https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/06/when-squirrels-attack/531129/
Quicksand
•https://www.sfgate.com/science/article/Things-that-used-to-scare-us-but-are-no-longer-13607592.php
•http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2010/08/terra_infirma.html
Fire
https://www.usfa.fema.gov/data/statistics/#where
The Dark
https://www.ojjdp.gov/ojstatbb/offenders/qa03401.asp
Kidnapping
Stranger
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/home-improvement/home-burglary-facts-and-stats
Marriage
Pessin, L. (2018). Changing gender norms and marriage dynamics in the United States. Journal of Marriage and Family, 80(1), 25–41. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12444
Bryce Van Vleet is the author of Tired Pages and Before We All Die Let’s Have One Last Chat by the Fireside. He sells poetry art here, published a collection of poems titled Weak Eyes, and masquerades as the spoken word artist Liihey. He has been described by strangers on the internet as everything from a covert transgender athlete to a Christian Nationalist. He has also been told he’s gay because he’s not on the keto diet (which he technically can’t disprove). You can support him by clicking through blog posts or donating (scroll to the bottom of the page).
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